There is no way
Nicholas Zharkikh
– Hello, Volodya? This is Bob from the London Stock Exchange…
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– No, not in the bomb shelter (there was no order). I’m in my office. I am a junior scribe dealing with gold. Volodya, our Internet is buggy here, I can’t figure out what you want to do with your gold reserves…
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– Ha, do you say that you ordered to turn off the Internet? And how should I be? Listen, Volodya, I will do whatever you say, I just need a written instruction from you – what to do…
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– What about the Prime Minister? How can I, a junior clerk, report to the Prime Minister? He knows everything without me…
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– Well, here I say: send me a written instruction, I’ll take half for myself, and half – as you order…
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– So because of the sanctions, I’m actually in a hurry. But don’t worry, everything will be OK…
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– Yes, you say, the Internet – no way? Okay, then do it like this: write everything on a piece of paper, sign, take the airmail envelope…
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– Yes, yes, the one on which "Par avion" is written, and send to London…
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– How do not fly? What, a no-fly zone has already been declared over Russia?
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– And I have not heard such – that the Ukrainians surrounded Moscow and moved to the Garden Ring. Someday they will come, but not today. And maybe not even tomorrow, so we have time…
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– Oh, that’s how your planes don’t let fly into Europe! Finally understood. Well, Frau Merkel should have resigned – and such tarapaty started…
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– Tarapaty? Well, it’s pretty much the same as reshtabigy – annoyances, troubles…
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– Of course, we read Ivan Franko carefully here. Yes, well, if the airmail does not go, I have another option. Let your letter be taken to Kharkiv and handed over to the Nova Poshta branch, which has not yet been bombed. There is no war there, only a "special operation", and there is no no-fly zone. And Nova Poshta will deliver the letter to the NATO border – it’s very close, and there it will pass it to DHL, and DHL will send the letter to me…
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– You say that it does not work too?.. What to do with it?.. Oh, I have another option – 100% reliable! You twist your letter into a tube, put it in an empty champagne bottle…
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– How come there is no empty bottle? You do not drink champagne, do not celebrate the success of your "special operation"?
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– But how should Ukrainians poison you? Is that may be Medvedchuk… But where will polonium come from if they are not going to build nuclear weapons?
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– And, dioxin, which you tried to poison Yushchenko? Then something else… Well, let’s take any bottle, put a letter in it, cork it well with wax and in the city of St. Peter Alekseevich…
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– No, not Poroshenko – in your hometown throw bottle in the Neva…
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– No matter, you can go straight from the Palace Embankment, or you can from the gate from which you came out – to get to the Neva. The Neva will carry the bottle to the sea, and here in England we will catch it and find out what you are asking for…
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– Yes, I say – a completely reliable way. And no SWIFT is required for this. We in England are aware – it happened, and in 30 and 40 years such letters were received…
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– Well, then another option: put your letter in an intercontinental ballistic missile and order it to fly across England…
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– Somehow I have little faith that there may be a nuclear warhead, and even less do I believe that it can explode. But the letter can be damaged when a hypersonic rocket falls, here you are right…
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– Then there is no way…
March 10, 2022, in Kyiv.